Sunday, April 12, 2009

Money

Yesterday I took a class that I've been meaning to take for nearly 5 years. One of the topics of discussion was on controlling one's career. A young woman stated early in the day that by following the precepts laid out in this class, she was taking a step forward in her own self direction.

The teacher, an old hand, said "no matter what you do, it's a step toward self direction."

We all had to sit and think about that for a while.

And it's true. No matter what we do, we are creating a path, a way...even if our path is to stand still in one, blame place.

The class---more of a workshop really---was on learning how to be a freelancer; how to run your own business. It was for a particular type of business and the people in the class were all in this particular field where they made almost no money or OK money but with almost no raises---for decades. The field is populated with those who live in small cramped apartments or with room mates or with their parents. Or with husbands who support them. Few have employer paid benefits and there is no talk of pensions or retirement.

I was one of the very, very few who had a conventional job that gave me a modicum of security. High irony was when the instructor said..."you've planned well. You have set yourself up in a very enviable position for this field because you can slowly start building your freelance side. And when you do retire early, your initial freelancing won't feel so desperate since you'll have some income and essential benefits at your back."

Hah! How "lucky" I've been. How well I've planned. Funny. It was all out of fear of being a bag lady. Surprising that my fellow students did not demonstrate this same fear...they willingly flung themselves toward poverty for love, not money. For the integrity of choosing and following a path that had meaning to them.

And here I have been feeling like I've wasted my life when in fact I have been choosing and following a path based on my essential principles...the essential principle of not being an abject pauper or depending on my own wits to find the next gig, forever.

I had a revelation similar to this last week when in conversation with a colleague at work. I was recounting a quarterly meeting I attended during my very brief tenure in the private sector. The meeting was held in rather large and well-appointed auditorium, catered by an exclusive local restaurant. And there was an open wine bar.

To begin the meeting, a huge JumboTron screen descended from the ceiling. A video began, showing Steve Balmour, now head of Microsoft, standing at a podium in yet another auditorium. He was smiling and screaming, pumping his hands in the air to the rhythm of his bellowing.

"Make money, make money", he roared.

The crowd in my auditorium rose to their feet, as the real Steve Balmour walked out onto the stage, joining his image in the rallying cry.

"Make money," people shouted around me, emboldened by the wine bar, no doubt. "Make money". Many punched the air as Steve did.

Peer pressure forced me to stand up but I could not join the chorus. I was horrified and knew I had to leave both the auditorium and the field. This was a long time ago...during the tech boom-boom years and ever since I've secretly felt ashamed that I was not quite up to the challenge of being one with the crowd.

"It sounds awful", said my colleague, himself a serial bureaucrat. "...a bit like an assembly of capitalistic automatons!"

It was at this point in retelling the story that I realized why I was a civil servant.

For over a decade I've hated myself for not following my dreams; for not living up to my potential; for not following what I thought were important life principles.

How silly I've been.

I have followed my dreams (albeit unconscious ones). I have explored quite thoroughly vast swaths of my potentials even in my-dry-as-toast but noble field. And in following my career path I have cleaved rather closely to my principles...the principle of security and the fairly creaky notion of public service.

But people do change...they evolve. And I am aware now that my dream for freedom is trumping the old dream of security. Maybe it's that I've explored all the potentials I care to in public service or perhaps I'm simply searching for a different way of approaching it. I just know it's time to start preparing for a change.

What an interesting weekend it's been so far.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Just say no to yuppie angst!

This last week I've been filling in for my boss. No I'm not a glutton for punishment nor am I a suck up. I did it because I wanted to see if I could do it.

I've known for a while that I haven't actively pursued promotion even though others have clearly thought me ready for it. I've hesitated because I've seen so many people regret the decision.
  1. Promotion caused a huge spike in their stress level.
  2. It caused them to be different outside of work.
  3. It made them hate their jobs a lot more than when they were mere worker bees.
  4. It forced them to care about stuff (boss stuff, subject matter stuff) that they would have preferred not to waste their time with.
Based merely on this brief list, I figured promotion was a non-starter for me.

But I had to be sure.

So I did it for 4 days, clearly not enough time for a representative survey...but enough...enough for me to know that it would siphon the life right out of me. So instead, I'm going to try to train myself in a related discipline and figure out how to do some freelancing on the side. That way, perhaps I can make a little more money without bringing more yuppie angst into to it...