First post - an irregular committment to my inner life

I made up my mind I was going to commit to posting here after talking with C. We were having one of those conversations where I was whining and she was trying to be understanding. I knew that she could take my little pity parties only so long.

" If you don't like your life, change it!", she said not without a little frustration. "Make it happen! Instead of negatively obsessing on everything you haven't done in the last 46 years (actually I don't turn 46 until next month but, I should stop interrupting) , start positively obsessing over something you want to do. But stop complaining about it. You're a numerologist you should know this stuff by now."

Yes, on all counts, I should have and in the past I have for my clients, friends and acquaintances been exceedingly clear on how they should proceed. About how their destiny's are waiting to happen. All that is necessary is the will and courage to push forward.

But when it comes to me, it's as if I'm in a fog and it's very, very hard for me to see my way past my own divergences and excuses.

Take for example my career...

I'm a civil servant at a large state agency in a fairly bureaucratic discipline. Not surprisingly, it is rather detail oriented and there are lots of rules and regulations involved with very little room for creativity. My duties require me to be very analytical and my tasks are dry and deadline driven. The kicker is I just started, in fact I called in some favors to get this job and already, not even a month into it, I'm ready to chuck it.

If I did not in fact know that I was talking about me, I'd inform my brilliant client of the following:

• That often, we are attracted to the things we need, not literally all the time but in a general way. In this job, the emphasis is on accountability, responsiveness and daily organization, just the sort of skill I'd need if I were to start freelancing again.
• Though this job is tedious, it's also important--in that the work is clearly in the public good--in fact it has rather high 'green' rating. I left my previous job because I wasn't making a difference in the world and that left me feeling dead inside. I wanted to feel like I was a steward of something important.

So, on the good side, I'd tell my client, I have made a move closer to mastering certain essential skills and making good on my souls desire to do good. It's just that most times in life, our victories are iterative...they build upon each other giving us nothing less than what we're able to handle. If I, er or my client still feels stuck, that just means that I STILL HAVE MORE CHANGE TO MAKE.

So ok, this is a little career reality check, I'm not done yet, we're all still masterpieces in the making.